My first suggestion is that you study your thesis to make
sure it isn't missing important elements, perhaps words, which will provide a firmer
foundation from which to begin. Sometimes doing this is as easy as reading the statement
again; sometimes using a grammar check, if available with your computer's word
processing software, can help.
My understanding is that you
are putting forth this argument: there are undesirable aspects to life that can
interfere with one's moral behavior, and that it may be necessary to confront serious
difficulties in life in order to change oneself.
You have
two separate and powerful thoughts in your thesis, and this is a
good beginning.
The Owl: Purdue's
Online Writing Lab offers the following advice for writing a thesis
statement:
Your thesis statement should be specific—it
should cover only what you will discuss in your paper and should be supported with
specific evidence.
This is
helpful information to refer to while writing. It should also be of central concern when
rereading, proofreading, and editing your paper, which you should do more than once: the
more, the better.
The statement about making your thesis
statement specific is something you have done; you simply need more clarity, easily
accomplished with what you have already written. This is probably something I would feel
comfortable with: it is "streamlined," perhaps a little more
concise.
Conformity and greed can compromise a person's
conscience and sense of morality. It is not until someone goes through realization and
self-awareness, which often takes place during a time of difficulty, that one can
address his or her faults, thus making changes toward self-improvement in order to
ensure a more favorable
future.
(The second part of
the first guideline listed by The Owl... is to support your thesis with specific
evidence in your paper, to prove your statement is
correct.)
I hope this is of some
help.
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